Indulgence Rates At an All-Time High in Bushwick

April 11, 2015 7 626 Hipster Commentary, News
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There’s no mystery behind the fact that, if you live in Bushwick, you’re most likely an indulgent son of a bitch. From binge drinking to binge drugging, it’s never enough for any Bushwickian: they’ve always got to have more, more, more. Being that this is par for the course, it seems a bit alarming that the rates in indulgence have spiked noticeably over the past month.

Donna Dongivafuk, a 24-year old Bushwick indulger

Donna Dongivafuk, a 24-year old Bushwick indulger

The first telltale sign of the increase was noted by local drug dealer Rees Nourisher, a 33-year-old who also works part-time at BP, who told The Burning Bush, “My supply is dry. These fuckers keep coming back for more. It’s almost like the drugs have no effect on them at all. They’re just keeping them at a baseline high or some shit, I don’t even know.” One such supply-sucker, Terrence Yield, a 25-year-old bike messenger, admitted, “I can’t get enough drugs. Why bother trying to ‘check myself’? I’m immune.”

Bar attendance has gone way up

Bar attendance has gone way up

Even bar seats have been fuller these days (clearly, everyone has forgotten about the contaminated pussy outbreak of 2014), with Koda bar owner Sarah Slap, a 22-year-old from Alabama, noting, “Didn’t no one ever used to come in this here bar. Maybe they were honoring Wreck Room or what have you, but it used to be that not a soul was ever here on a weeknight. Now we gotta beat ’em off with a stick.” Likewise, even binge shopping has gone up at places like Beacon’s, Vice Versa and Mary Meyer. Beacon’s cashier Laura Wayf, a 21-year-old fashion design student at Parsons, confirmed, “People don’t usually buy that much stuff when they make a purchase, but lately they’ve been like leaving with six to ten bags of shit. Shit I wouldn’t even buy.” With indulgence running rampant in this town, you’d do well to lock your doors and steer clear of whores. There’s no telling when the insatiable pleasure-seeking will die down, if ever.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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