Investigative Probe Commences Into Why More Bushwickians Don’t Weigh 200+ Pounds Due to Their Drinking & Eating Habits

May 31, 2015 2 480 J'Accuse
Share!

Living “the lifestyle” is hard in Bushwick, and not just anyone can keep up with it. Between shotgunning pizza at Roberta’s Liz Lemon-style and actual shotgunning, the pressure to maintain one’s figure can often feel extremely intense. And yet, there seems to be very few fat people in this neighborhood (except, of course, until winter rolls around).

Average Bushwickian male

Average Bushwickian male

That’s why an extensive investigative probe into what could possibly be allowing so many Bushwickians to stay thin has been launched. Sure, drunkorexia is an obvious method of choice for many to “stay in shape,” but even alcohol has its suspect amount of calories–especially when the Bushwick intake is taken into account.

Average Bushwickian female

Average Bushwickian female

“What the Committee to Find Out Bushwick’s Secret to Thinness aims to do is emulate whatever these millennials are doing and use it as a way to make money by marketing it to outsiders. There are millions of people across the U.S. who would benefit from the Bushwick diet regimen, whatever it may be,” stated Mallory Seeker, head of the investigation.

Drinking somehow encourages Bushwickian thinness

Drinking somehow encourages Bushwickian thinness

But Bushwickians haven’t been so cooperative in divulging their secrets. Erica Appliance, a goddess of domesticity who often sits on her badonkadonk eating bon-bons all day as tribute to Betty Draper, shrugged, “I don’t know what I do. Good genes, I guess.” So is there a real reason why the residents of Bushwick are immune to weight gain in spite of their alcohol and food guzzling, or is there a massive conspiracy afoot?

Written by Genna Rivieccio

2 Comments