It Seems Catland Witchery Has Only Made D. Trump’s Presidency Worse

August 16, 2017 Comments Off on It Seems Catland Witchery Has Only Made D. Trump’s Presidency Worse 303 News

On the gray Friday that was August 11th, a number of “witches” convened at local pagan watering hole Catland to attempt to channel their “powers” into one cause and one cause only: hexing “President” Donald Trump. Even though, as we all know, if Lana Del Rey couldn’t do anything about it, then no one can.

The invite

No amount of lighting of dick and vagina candles (of which there is always a surfeit at the establishment) could seem to hold back the dark forces that were to gather in Charlottesville the following morning. And so it would seem that no enthusiasm for hand-holding, putting out of thoughts into the universe or lighting of various wicks was liable to stop Trump or his band of constituent goons–instead only seeming to make them stronger in their intolerance.

What hath Catland wrought?

When one of the “witches,” Sage Crush, a 22-year-old from California, found out about the horrifying events the next day, she couldn’t help but somehow feel responsible. “It was almost as though our gathering together had the opposite effect in intent. Maybe by wishing harm or ill will toward Trump and his supporters, we only poked the hornet’s nest.” Though no other “witch” could be reached for comment, it appears Catland might be taking a break from attempts at hexes for the time being.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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