J’Accuse!: The Bushwick 30 Somethings Are Being Used as Boar’s Head Meat

April 17, 2014 3 2281 30 Somethings, J'Accuse, Local Business
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The Burning Bush recently reported on the peculiar nature of the neighborhood’s 30-something exodus. Uncertain sources have come forward since to tell us of a dark possibility for where the 30-somethings are really going. And it isn’t just to the west coast.

The tag line says it all.

The tag line says it all.

As any Bushwickian knows, Rock Street off Morgan Avenue¬†is the hub for Boar’s Head Brand. The ominous army of trucks is always parked there. But what are they actually storing inside of those trucks? Could it possibly be the remains of all the 30 somethings we thought had escaped? And what’s worse, is Boar’s Head just macabre enough to Sweeney Todd its local residents? The Burning Bush is inclined to believe so.

What's really in your Boar's Head sandwich?

What’s really in your Boar’s Head sandwich?

The unchecked power of Boar’s Head is illustrious throughout Brooklyn. An unnamed bodega owner, who requested anonymity for his or her own safety, said, “Boar’s Head controls more than you think. They’re in every deli. The only allowed choice. Doesn’t anyone else find that strange?” The Burning Bush certainly does. And it would make sense that they would need to cull meat from other sources in order to keep up with the demand. Like any great mafia don, Boar’s Head has friends in high places and knows how to keep people’s mouths shut. But a telltale femur bone found lying near one of the trucks tipped off a Burning Bush reader.

Former friend of yours?

Former friend of yours?

29 year old Frank Untentional fears for his own upcoming 30th. Thus, his sighting of the bone triggered some understandable paranoia. “They’re coming after us all, man. No one’s immune once they hit 30!” The most likely reason for the targeting of 30 somethings is that their flesh is at just the perfect stage for ripping apart. 40 somethings are obviously too gamey and 20 somethings and under are always lithe enough to escape a stalking Boar’s Head employee.

Bodegas are where most of the meat is laundered.

Bodegas are where most of the meat is laundered.

However, it may not even be a fellow human plucking these 30 somethings from our midst. Another witness, Shandy Yunow, claimed, “I think I saw a real boar chasing after someone near Rock Street. It was pretty crazy.” You can say that again, Shandy. Until further evidence arrives, keep your age to yourself.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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