After a summer of the Rockaway A train being backlogged by a surfeit of Bushwick residents from the Montrose/Morgan/Jefferson/Dekalb/Myrtle-Wyckoff/Halsey stops to get to the beach (mainly to use the internet) the residents off the Broadway Junction stop are putting their collective foot down: No more vanilla faces clogging their L and A train arteries. How, you might ask, are they planning to stop hipsters from infiltrating their East New York territory? The old-fashioned way–with brass knuckles and dirty looks.
The news of the angry mob’s intentions was announced by the MTA, who wanted to give L train commuters a fair advisory on what might happen if they attempt to go to Rockaway Beach via the A train. Felicia Mongo stated, “While we are by no means sanctioning the actions of this angry mob of East New Yorkers, we want to ensure the safety of our travelers as best as we can by giving them fair warning.”
The Burning Bush made efforts to speak with the leader of the angry mob, Shonda Blaque, but she repeatedly responded by spitting in our no good white visages. Another member of the mob, however, was tantalized with the promise of a lap dance at the Rockaway Pumps in exchange for information. The man, who wanted to be referred to only as “Da Cracka Smacka,” gave us some brief insight into why they’re blocking off their turf to outsiders.
“Y’all ain’t been here. Da beach has been ours for longer den you been alive. Long before y’all started wearin’ yo American Apparel bathin’ suits to show off yo shit. Muhfuckas ain’t got no right to just come in and think dey can crowd up da area and da beach wit dey asses. Lawd knows dere wasn’t no Rockaway Taco and no goddamn Rippers until dem whiteys came along. Why people need whites to come along to get some goddamn food on da beach? Das da only reason we been lettin’ y’all come as long as we have been. But dis Laba Day, da beach is ours. If we gotta put up wit dis ugly ass environment all year round, while y’all bitches go hide in da winter, we should get it exclusively in da summa too.”
Many Bushwickians have already expressed both sadness and disbelief at the cruelty of the East New Yorkers for taking away the closest beach on one of the most important weekends of the year for getting drunk. Ginger Fauxproblemes, a 22-year-old who was looking forward to rounding out her first summer in New York, sobbed, “Where am I supposed to go now, huh? Fucking Coney Island? I’ll turn radioactive if I go in there! Yes, indeed, it’s going to be a sad, pitiful weekend for most Bushwickians who will inevitably turn to a kiddie pool on the roof of the McKibbin as an unenviable substitute.
Written by Genna Rivieccio