As we all know, a lot of fucked up shit goes down at Maria Hernandez Park. That’s why the installation of a swing set in the enclosure is both to be expected and completely nonsensical. Prior to the proposed existence of this “child’s amusement,” Maria Hernandez was filled with nothing but couples trying to be romantic, dogs taking a shit, the actors at the Bushwick Starr trying to gain inspiration or Maria Hernandez herself. Now it’s a veritable convention center for sex offenders and generally sketchy ilk.
The head of the Bushwick Parks Department, Geri Pedow, a 44-year-old from Upstate New York, insisted to The Burning Bush, “The installation of this swing set is a good thing. It should in no way concern anyone about attracting pedophiles. We just want the kids to have a fun time.” The Burning Bush was somewhat hesitant to “probe” into what exactly “fun time” meant, but we took Pedow at his word.
So far, the incidents of molestation near the swing set have been minimal, instead transpiring outside of the park after various lusty men pick up the kids of their choosing while appraising them as they soar through the air. As a result, swing set hours will be modified to be open from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m., the period of time when most pedophiles and molesters are usually still asleep. An outraged parent, Hannah Symplesolution, a 36-year-old mother of two, suggested, “Why don’t we just round these creeps up after they’re lured to the swing set and shove them in the McKibbin’s black hole?” Though the use of the term “black hole” seemed especially wrong in this context, Symplesolution makes a valid point.
Written by Genna Rivieccio