For most straight women, naming a haircutting business Scissor Service seems innocent enough. “You know, I just assumed it was a reference to shears for your hair, like most non-pervy women. Not that lesbians are pervs, but they kind of are. I mean, have you seen Blue is the Warmest Color?” said straight woman Patricia Highorse.
Conversely, lesbians in the Bushwick community were highly disappointed to learn that, upon calling the number on the Scissor Service flier–proudly displayed at Express Yourself–a receptionist asked if they were interested in a cut and color as opposed to an eat-out and fingering session. “What kind of fuckin’ business calls itself Scissor Service and offers no sexual services tailored to lesbians? It seems pretty fuckin’ cruel if you ask me,” seethed Cobra Club regular Dotty Vee.
In response to the outrage, the “head” stylist at Scissor Service issued a statement on behalf of the manager apologizing, “We are truly sorry if anyone was confused about what our business actually is. We never meant to disappoint anyone. To make up for it, we’ll be offering free at-home haircuts to anyone who called us expecting to be, um, scissored.” Needless to say, there’s been a line of lesbians getting a buzz cut in the comfort of their own home ever since.
Written by Genna Rivieccio