Local Man Crushed to Learn the Truth About Santa Claus

December 23, 2014 Comments Off on Local Man Crushed to Learn the Truth About Santa Claus 459 Uncategorized

This morning as 24-year-old Josh Peterson was packing up his things for a trip back home to Oklahoma to spend Christmas with his family, he received a call from his mother explaining that not only was Josh not to come home for the holidays this year, but that they’d been lying to him his entire life.

"A family comedy without the family."

“A family comedy without the family.” Not too far off from Josh’s plight this Christmas.

“We really couldn’t keep up the act any longer than we already have. Trying to meet the standards of Joshua’s wish list each Christmas has been a bit of a strain on our financial resources over the past 24 years. Now that he knows his father has had to work overtime every fall to buy him presents and that they aren’t simply dropped off by Santa, his expectations may reasonably subside,” Josh’s mother explained during a phone interview. “As for his father and I telling Joshua not to come home this Christmas, it’s not that we wouldn’t love to see our little boy, he’s more than welcome to come next time. My husband and I just feel that we owe it to ourselves to use our vacation time from work to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. We can finally afford it since we won’t have to get anything for Joshua this year.”

It will surely be a very Merry Christmas for Mr. and Mrs. Peterson!

It will surely be a very Merry Christmas for Mr. and Mrs. Peterson!

Mrs. Peterson went on to tell us that she wishes they didn’t wait so long to break the news, but that Josh was always such an overly sensitive, somewhat maladjusted child and they feared the truth would send him over the edge. “We were really just hoping that he would find out some other way… through friends, eventually college. It just never happened.” Given this abrupt cancellation in Peterson’s holiday vacation plans, he will now be forced to stay in Bushwick. Josh says that on Thursday, he will probably go to Cain’s Tavern to take advantage of the Prefix Christmas Dinner Special. “I know that Billy Nealson is planning on going there. He was recently caught getting a happy ending at Happy Fun Hideaway by his wife, who is going to California for Christmas and taking their kids with her. I’m pretty sure Rachel Brooks is going, too. Her whole family was killed in a terrible skiing accident last winter, so she doesn’t have anywhere to go home to either.”

"This isn't fair."

“This isn’t fair.” -Josh Peterson

“It’s not like I’m going to go off and kill myself cause everyone gets to go on vacation and I don’t, but I’d be lying if I said that this wasn’t the worst Christmas of my entire life. What else have they lied to me about? Are they even my real parents? Was I adopted?” Josh paused for a moment, suppressing tears. “At least I’ll get to have Christmas dinner at Cain’s with people who are just about as miserable as I am instead of hanging out with a bunch of phonies like my folks.” Ugh, how depressing.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals… and a Happy New Year.

Written by Nicole Benson

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