You’re probably too young or too blacked out to remember Mazelle, a “Russian restaurant” located on 247 Starr Street that served what one local man named Derek Plumpvisage calls “superb steak.” The establishment, which closed back in 2013, has been darkened until now, and in its place has emerged Hi Hello, a sandwich shop run by some of the people affiliated with Momo Sushi.
Plumpvisage, who has been standing outside of the former Mazelle every day ever since it closed waiting for Hi Hello to open so that he could boycott its presence, told The Burning Bush, “This is just another example of Bushwick fixing something that wasn’t broken. Mazelle was fucking delicious and they had steak that often made me cum harder than real sex.”
“Moreover,” Plumpvisage continued, “they had a dollar oyster night. Do you have any idea how much easier that made my life? Now I have to go to goddamn Maison Premiere if I want that. Hi Hello is going to pay for my woes.” The owner of the sandwich joint, Aaron Aloof, seemed nonplussed by Plumpvisage’s ire. “I don’t understand all this anger. I have to pass by Plumpvisage gnawing steaks outside my business every day. I’ve tried to placate him with free sandwiches, but even that doesn’t work. If you ask me, the man has an unnatural obsession with Mazelle, which no one else in this neighborhood even remembers, and a general aversion to change.” Plumpvisage plans to eat steaks outside of Hi Hello until it closes. Luckily, he has a trust fund to accommodate this protest.
Written by Genna Rivieccio