Local Woman Has Heart Attack Over Nothing Good to Instagram in Bar Bathroom

April 7, 2015 1 446 Bars, News
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It practically never happens. There’s always at least one good thing to Instagram while taking a piss or pulling up your pants after a quickie in a Bushwick bar. But last night, tragedy struck at Alaska when local woman Kim Excitable, a 28-year-old with no prior history of medical illness, walked into the bathroom and saw absolutely nothing worth taking a picture of.

Excitable was puzzled by the blank wall in front of her

Excitable was puzzled by the blank wall in front of her

There to witness Excitable being taken out on a stretcher were Smoking Barrel and Bensonia, who have experienced their own traumatic incidents with Instagram as well. “I was talking to Excitable briefly before she went into the bathroom. She seemed really, you know, excited about going in because she had never seen the graffiti in this bar before,” remarked Bensonia. Alas, a cleaning woman (there are no cleaning men) had recently scrubbed all the walls of their signature markings.

Excitable had pangs of agony over nothing to photograph

Excitable had pangs of agony over nothing to photograph

“Let’s be honest, there was nothing good to Instagram in there to begin with. Have you seen the type of riffraff that goes to Alaska? I’m only here because I’ve been banned at most other places off the Morgan stop,” said Smoking Barrel, a known cynic generally regarded as a heartless bitch. The bartender on duty at the time, Derek Dimwit, a 21-year-old who only recently started working at Alaska, commented, “I mean, she is kind of old. It’s not that surprising she had a heart attack.” Excitable is currently in stable condition after Instagramming the Keith Haring mural at Woodhull.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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