Baby theft isn’t anything new. In fact, it’s how some of us pay our rent. But most of us have the discretion to steal said babies in secret. And yet, that’s not what Bert Bedlamite, a 33-year-old riding from the Kosciuszko (which, still, no one can spell or pronounce) J stop toward Manhattan, did to attempt to collect his bounty.
Wearing vibrantly colored clothing and blasting music from his iPhone, Bedlamite was about the furthest thing from undercover a person trying to nab a baby could be. Compounding the matter was the target’s mother, a recently transplanted from Williamsburg ceramics artist who was already reluctant to make the move to Bushwick in the first place.
As a result, she was packing a large bottle of pepper spray that she promptly used to douse Bedlamite in the mug with. As he screamed and writhed in pain, the baby stared at him in his garb from Smoochie Baby on Berry Street. He was then quickly apprehended at the next stop and profiled under a recent police surveillance project coded as Snatch, specializing in the observation and detainment of men (because this isn’t something women do) trying to make money from Bushwick hipster babies on the black market. However, in Bedlamite’s unique defense, he did explain to authorities that he thought it was the actual Baby J–as in Jesus–he was stealing. This was, of course, after the consumption of yet another bad batch of K2.
Written by Genna Rivieccio