With the advent of a new iPhone comes the advent of a surge in the amount of “millennials” flocking to get one. Last night, all those Bushwickians and other North Brooklyners who thought they were so clever in pre-ordering their phone a week in advance were saddened and appalled to find that UPS, the sole shipper in league with Apple to deliver their precious cargo, had fucked them over by refusing to leave their phone by the door.
Some of the Bushwickians who had missed their opportunity were the responsible parties for their own undoing, sleeping the day away in a post-hangover haze, while others had to actually be at work in order to continue paying for their phone bill, and therefore couldn’t be present to receive their bounty. The Burning Bush got a chance to talk to one of the UPS drivers responsible for causing so much misery throughout the neighborhood. Valdez Saldano, a 45-year-old who admits to getting his kicks by not delivering people’s packages even when they leave a signature authorizing him to, tittered, “I did it on purpose. After all, what do they tell you every time you call to complain about not getting a package? ‘It’s at the driver’s discretion to judge whether it’s safe or not to leave it behind.’ Well, I’ve got plenty of discretion.”
The Burning Bush also headed to the scene of the aftermath at about 8:40 p.m. last night to see that the line around the block closely resembled the one outside a club opening in the Meatpacking District circa 2001. Some seemed to be making the most of the situation, like Zoe Partié, a 21-year old who brought plenty of party favors to keep her side of the line entertained. “I usually like to bring at least ten bags of coke with me wherever I go, especially when I know I’m going to be in an uncomfortable situation.” Others who did not have the fortune of being near her side of the line were on the verge of cutting their wrists horizontally just for a bit of rejuvenation. Nicky Blade, a 27-year-old who had never owned an iPhone before, practically verged on tears as he told The Burning Bush, “I should have just stuck with my drug dealer phone.” It was at this point that The Burning Bush had to leave the area for our own self-preservation. We assume that most of the Bushwickians who were waiting last night are still there this morning.
Written by Genna Rivieccio