Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a…. Roommate? New Business Called “Single White Roommate” Helps Tailor Bushwick Roommates to One Another, Or Create Them Out of Thin Air

September 17, 2014 Comments Off on Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me a…. Roommate? New Business Called “Single White Roommate” Helps Tailor Bushwick Roommates to One Another, Or Create Them Out of Thin Air 459 News, Real Estate
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As if not being able to find a winter piece was bad enough, now it seems Bushwickians can’t even find a roommate. Once again the butt of another business ploy capitalizing on their susceptibility to spending parental funds, denizens of Bushwick are buying into Single White Roommate, a roommate matchmaking service owned by Sunil Nefarious, a 42-year-old of dubious Middle Eastern descent. The website was launched earlier this week in response to higher rent prices (due to Anna Wintour) resulting in the need for finding more roommates in order to live in that converted six bedroom that was originally a two bedroom. 

These two fucking hate each other

These two fucking hate each other

Nefarious spoke to The Burning Bush about the unique matchmaking technology his program uses to pair groups of people off. “First, it narrows you down by race. White people never like to live with non-white people. Then it zeros in on age by asking the following question: Is your favorite pop singer Madonna, Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus? After this it asks a final personality related question: Would you ever kill someone? With these three simple narrowing devices, Single White Roommate has already effectively matched approximately 122 roommates since Monday.” Part of the trick, however, is generating a composite of what a roommate is and sending the, for all intents and purposes, “person” off to meet its potential match.  

All these random needed to live in one room in a converted eight bedroom together

All these random needed to live in one room in a converted eight bedroom together

The cost to use the service is, of course, a high one. To sign up for one-time use, a fee of $500 is required. For a monthly membership (since you obviously have trouble not pissing people you live with off), the fee is $100. Though Nefarious claims his system is foolproof, The Burning Bush has already heard reports of sadists getting paired up with sadists and masochists getting paired up with masochists. And that’s just never a good scene–or a clean one. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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