Mattress Dies of Shame After Being Stripped of Sheets and Put Out on the Street

October 1, 2015 Comments Off on Mattress Dies of Shame After Being Stripped of Sheets and Put Out on the Street 346 News
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Bushwick, like all of New York is a revolving door; no one ever stays too long if they know what’s good for them. This is generally the reason why so many mattresses get put out to pasture at the end of the month, their numerous¬†foibles exposed to the judging public.

Taken out to pasture

Taken out to pasture

One such mattress passed away today from shame, the burden of its faults laid bare to the world too much for it to endure. The former owner of the medium-firm bed, Shawn DeHartlis, a 24-year-old hardened by his time in Bushwick and planning to move back to Georgia, shrugged, “I had to move on, we couldn’t stay together forever.”

Exposed

Exposed

To add insult to the injury of the mattress, DeHartlis didn’t even bother wrapping it in the NY Waste Management-required plastic cover to shield it from the contamination of the cold, hard ground. After about twenty minutes, the mattress couldn’t take it anymore and expired, allowing ruffians from the nearby projects on Flushing and Bushwick Avenues to ravage it, stomping on it and ripping out its stuffing. May its spirit–and associated memories of bad sex had on it–rest in peace.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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