Mellow Pages Library Closes Thanks to Rampant and No Longer Concealable Bushwick Illiteracy

May 1, 2015 3 1003 Literature, News
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As The Burning Bush previously reported, a study of residents’¬†reading habits found that most Bushwickians are only pretending to read so as to appear to be playing the part of what is expected of them by neighborhood outsiders. This includes wearing glasses and, therefore, possessing a love of literature.

The sun will fill these walls no more

The sun will fill these walls no more

Alas, between shitty short story collections, tell-alls about rich kids and a strong emphasis on the general pretension of writing, the truth has finally come out: Bushwick is completely illiterate. With the cat fully out of the bag, Mellow Pages Library, host to many an alcoholic gathering of book fondlers, has decided to shutter its doors.

Matt & Jacob even attempted to make books appealing to the Bushwick masses by hanging them as art

Matt & Jacob even attempted to make books appealing to the Bushwick masses by hanging them as art

Matt Manic and Jacob Shucker, the founders of the library, released a melancholic, yet accepting statement to acknowledge the establishment’s closure:

“We could no longer to continue to live a lie, lending out books to people who were only pretending to read them. With spring comes a new dawn, though, and perhaps, one day, Bushwickians will be able to truly read and write. That’s when we’ll return.”

In the meantime, the space has already been rented out by COACH, which will be opening a location there as soon as Mellow Pages clears out. If nothing else, you can feign reading the care instructions on the inside of the bag.

RIP Mellow Pages, you will be missed

Written by Genna Rivieccio, book fondler

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