With Kings County still on a desperate hunt to cobble together enough wangs to form an interesting and competitive enough Smallest Penis Contest, which was momentarily replaced by the Bushwick Mr. Basic Contest, a groundbreaking decision has been formed. “It is our distinct privilege to announce that, due to the lack of dicks–both small and normal-sized–that has spread from Williamsburg to Bushwick, we will now be holding the Missing A Dick Contest.”
The statement was released exclusively to The Burning Bush by John Johnson, who has been at the forefront of organizing both the Smallest Penis and the Smallest Labia Contest (in conjunction with We the Femmes, of course). “We’re aiming to give the crowd a good time and to accommodate the fact that most ‘men’ these days have a very subtly visible flap of skin in place of where evolution once placed their penis,” explained Johnson.
Regular Smallest Penis Contest troller Celeste Bimbo, a 25-year-old who works at Heels by night and at Birchwood Forest by day, was both sad and excited about the change. “Well, on the one hand, I can’t deny that I mostly have to get guys to use a vibrator or strap-on if I wanna feel anything, I also am definitely going to miss the aesthetic of small penises. But you can’t conjure what’s not there, right? Unless you’re, like, a Catland tarot reader or something. Anyway, I look forward to what the future holds at the Missing A Dick Contest.” The event will take place Thursday, June 18th at 8:30 p.m. Applicants interested in being part of the contest have until June 5th to apply. The competition is going to be “stiff,” so to speak.
Written by Genna Rivieccio