Mood Ring Overrun by Scorpios This Month, Leading to STD Outbreak Off JMZ

November 12, 2017 0 129 News
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For those unfamiliar with the relatively new bar, Mood Ring, if the name hasn’t tipped you off to its zodiac theme, well, don’t feel too bad. Especially since one usually has to be hit over the head with literalism to understand what anything means in the modern era. That’s what New Yorker articles are for, after all.

The signature Happy Together sign perhaps being too encouraging to Scorpios

In keeping with that theme, each month at Mood Ring specializes in highlighting a cocktail tailor-made for the star sign in question. Being that it’s only been open a short while since its foray into the neighborhood, this is the first time Mood Ring bartenders have had to pool their knowledge to come up with something truly encapsulating of all that a Scorpio represents–primarily raw sexuality and petty, undercutting rage. That being said, the contents of the drink include Drambuie, virgin twink semen, hair plucked from Prince’s still preserved corpse, a splash of vermouth and a garnish of the tip of a lambskin condom.

Scorpio will stab you in the back–and in any hole you make available

Not foreseeing that such a beverage would attract so many Scorpios, bar manager Gosla Atta, a 26-year-old of no clear descent as that’s ever the chicest ethnicity to be, was appalled at the influx of this particular zodiac sign, which has led to a surge in the spreading of STDs near the JMZ line off of which the bar resides. While more containable than the contaminated pussy outbreak of 2014, officials of the Bushwick Center for Disease Control have specifically asked Mood Ring to cease and desist with their serving of Scorpio themed beverages in the hope that it will stave off this diabolical sign’s carnage. If you or someone you know has been a victim of a Scorpio sexual encounter, please seek help at 1-800-GLAMORED-BY-SCORPIO-ORGASM.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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