More People Choking in Bushwick Thanks to Buy One, Get One Free CPR Class

September 13, 2014 Comments Off on More People Choking in Bushwick Thanks to Buy One, Get One Free CPR Class 2913 News, Performance Art
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Bushwick has never been one for saving itself from itself–that’s why we like to try to get other people to do it for us. With this in mind, a recent initiative to promote residents’ knowledge of how to adequately give CPR has only served to cause an increase in the amount of choking deaths in the neighborhood.

General response to the choking pandemic

General response to the choking pandemic

Agnes Resuscitate, the organizer of the class, which has been taking place at the somehow still afloat 4th Ward, took a moment to talk to The Burning Bush and defend herself by deflecting all blame onto the daft nature and lack of common sense of most Bushwickians. Resuscitate insisted, “I give thorough, step-by-step instructions on how to administer CPR. Any blame on the recent deaths in the area should be placed on Bushwickian incompetence–not on the fact that I’m enticing them with a buy one, get one free tactic.”

Don Noemote was the latest Bushwickian to choke, though no one could tell as they all just assumed he was showcasing some stoic performance art

Don Noemote was the latest Bushwickian to choke, though no one could tell as they all just assumed he was showcasing some stoic performance art

A Bushwickian who took the class, Mahoney Breathless, gave The Burning Bush a different perspective on the matter. “Resuscitate’s instructions were very unclear. She would use words like ‘sternum’ and ‘tracheotomy…’ No one had any idea what the fuck she was talking about most of the time. But at least I met my latest boyfriend there.” In fact, most of the people who took the class signed up because they though they would get to make out with a real live test subject.

Resuscitate's ad for Buy 1, get 1 free promotion

Resuscitate’s ad for Buy 1, get 1 free promotion

The class has been suspended until further notice, not to save lives, but in order to preserve the integrity of the dining experience in Bushwick–a.k.a. most of the bougie restaurants in the neighborhood, like Dear Bushwick and Forrest Point, were grossed the fuck out by seeing so many people choking and then have it all made worse by fellow Bushwickians trying to put their CPR skills to the test. On the plus side, many people have taken to calling their form of CPR “performance art,” spurring on a new trend in a formerly stagnant practice.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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