Most Bushwickians Too Fat to Actually “Fit” In at The Narrows

March 3, 2015 2 632 Bars, News
Share!

The Narrows, which has been around since 2010 (a.k.a. ancient Bushwick times), has finally decided to come clean about a shocking revelation regarding its intimate, inviting bar atmosphere: No one over 140 pounds can actually fit through the entrance hallway that leads to the rest of the establishment.

As you can see, The Narrows is very, well, narrow.

As you can see, The Narrows is very, well, narrow.

Veteran bartender Jeanette Waif, a 26-year-old who doesn’t look a pound over sixty, admitted sheepishly to The Burning Bush, “It’s something we don’t really like to talk about or acknowledge. You know, like gentrifier’s guilt. But lately, it’s kind of been becoming hard to ignore, what with all the weight gain that’s been going on in the neighborhood thanks to the winter weather.” Waif further added, “I’ve had to turn away so many hopeful drunkards this past season. Fuck, I even had to help un-wedge James Murphy from the front door one night.”

James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem reading an open letter to The Narrows in front of no one urging them to widen their entryway

James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem reading an open letter to The Narrows in front of no one urging them to widen their entryway

When The Burning Bush attempted to contact management for a comment on whether or not The Narrows had any plans to expand the confining walls of the bar in order to accommodate its larger clientele, we were met with beaucoup de evasiveness. Finally, the assistant bar manager, Amos Peecee, a 34-year-old who formerly worked at Wreck Room back when The Narrows and Wreck Room were the only sources of entertainment off the Morgan stop, gave us the following statement: “You forget that to provide for the fats would be to discriminate against the thins–and they’re our loyalest customers. The ones who thrive on drinking–not eating–the most.” And so, it would seem that, if nothing else, The Narrows gives us all an incentive to be a more emaciated version of ourselves, while also cruelly tantalizing us with its $1 oysters (an irresistible attraction for any Bushwick bourgeois).

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

2 Comments