On the heels of an outraged building owner’s contempt for a white people mural, it has been reported that murders in Bushwick have raised almost 500% in the last month. This unfortunate statistic is, of course, due to gentrification being the new colonialism and the associated civil war.
The latest victim to die at the hands of a person of undisclosed race is Marta Pastosa, a 33-year-old who had just secured a job at the forthcoming Dunkin’ Donuts at the corner of Flushing and Knickerbocker. Officer Delgado, the lead detective on the case, told The Burning Bush, “At this time, we do not know if it was a white person who killed Ms. Pastosa. It could have been any race. And we’re not ruling out that this is part of the ongoing gentrification civil war.”
Those close to Pastosa expressed a desire for immediate justice/vengeance by noting, “We will string up the cocksucker who did this by the strings they use to can artisanal jam.” With the murders fueling more murders regardless of knowing the perpetrator’s race, it seems as though people are just looking for a reason to kill in order to let out their resentment over gentrification in any way possible. Start wearing chainmail.
Written by Genna Rivieccio