New Strip Club, Heels, Offers the First Real Competition for Pumps

February 25, 2015 7 2058 Bars, Local Business, News
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Any Bushwick perv/veteran/lover of camp is fully aware of Pumps’ existence, as well as the fact that it has reigned as the supreme, unrivaled strip club of the area for years. Located on Grand Street near the picturesque English Kills (the end of Newtown Creek), where many a garbage dumping takes place, Pumps offers no frills and plenty of thrills. However, the days of Pumps being viewed as the end all, be all strip club of Bushwick could very well be coming to an end with a new “high-end” “topless lounge” called Heels infiltrating the neighborhood.

Logo for Heels

Logo for Heels

Opening about a block and a half away on Devoe Street and Morgan Avenue, Heels owner Illuminata Valdez told The Burning Bush, “We are reinventing the wheel of what a strip club in Bushwick means. Everything is top shelf at Heels–from the liquor to the girls themselves. I only hire 16-21 year olds and I offer breast enlargement to all of them. It’s kind of like their insurance plan.” Other competitive edges include, plush velvet seats and booths, a diamond-encrusted ceiling with chandeliers to match and bouncers that used to be bodyguards for Hillary Clinton (who never once had a reported attacker–perhaps due to lack of sexual interest).

The faces are friendly at Heels

The faces are friendly at Heels

Heels is expected to open in early April, with a special opening night featuring burlesque (a classy form of stripping) performances by people poached from the Bizarre scene and an appearance by Miley Cyrus (it has not been made clear yet if this is going to be a nude appearance). Considering Pumps’ fledgling Rockaway outpost and a recent ebola scare, does Bushwick’s most beloved pit of sin stand a chance against the bougie trappings of Heels?

Written by Genna Rivieccio

7 Comments

  1. Bert January 15, 2016 at 6:35 am -

    Boo