New Trend, Shoeless Footwear Could be a Serious Health Risk

June 14, 2014 2 1587 bushwick, Hipster Commentary

As the dynamic, ever-changing trends of Bushwick meet with summertime, we are beginning to witness recent fads that some would say are marked by anomaly. With the newfound encouragement through recent weather changes, people are finding themselves compelled more than ever to shed the layers, further increasing the amount of skin on display. While it is quite expected for folks to prance around in what appears to be underwear the very instant they break a sweat as a result of the raising temperature, Bushwick’s new craze has the rest of New York raising eyebrows. Started by a group of Bushwick locals who thought it was totally hip to play nature boy in their concrete jungle, the most favored foot ware in Bushwick is now no shoes at all. Yes, this behavior may be slightly more acceptable in less congested and cleaner parts of the world, but many argue that gallivanting about in New York City shoeless is not only unhygienic, but a serious health risk. However, this hasn’t stopped local retailer, Mary Meyer, from capitalizing on the fad.

Shoeless Footwear, available at Mary Meyer.

Shoeless Footwear, available at Mary Meyer.

Shoeless Footwear (a limited edition product), running from sizes 6-10 in women’s and 7-13 in men’s can be bought for $500 a piece, but come and get your very own pair now because the prices are expected to spike once they begin running out of stock. The “shoes” come with an owner’s manual which has a disclaimer printed on the back stating, “WARNING: Wear Shoeless Footwear at your own risk, we are not responsible for injury or death as a result of infection through rusty nails, broken glass, etc.” Since the launch of Shoeless Footwear on June First, seven Bushwick locals have been hospitalized in the living nightmare known as Woodhull Hospital (rated 1.5 stars on Yelp… seriously.) One consumer, Mitch Hamswart, tells us his story. “I went to Mary Meyer and bought myself a pair of Shoeless Footwear the first day they went on sale. Everything was going great, I started my night at Pine Box and made my way over to Tandem, getting several compliments about my recent purchase. Afterwards, I was walking down Troutman Street when I felt the skin on the bottom of my foot tear. I looked down and noticed that I had stepped in a sea of broken glass. When I realized the bottom of my foot was spouting blood in a fountain like manner, I fainted and was rushed to Woodhull by my friends.”

Mitch's unsightly foot

Mitch’s unsightly foot

“I awoke in the waiting room, still bleeding, but my foot was wrapped up by my buddy Jim’s t-shirt. One of the nurses at the desk was filing her fingernails and chatting on the phone about hitting up a new after hours spot. When my friend approached her to ask how much longer it would be before we could see a doctor, she began yelling at him for interrupting her conversation. She then came up to him and pushed up, attempting to initiate a physical altercation. Even though the only people in the waiting room were two homeless dudes, one of which was laying in a pool of his own piss which no one bothered cleaning up, it took four and a half hours before we finally saw a doctor.”

Dr. Meledez

Dr. Mengelez

“Dr. Mengelez (a name which is suspiciously close to Dr. Josef Mengele, the Nazi physician and German SS officer who claimed the lives of millions) seemed peeved that I was distracting him from his online poker game, which he was still playing periodically through the process of stitching me up. It took him three stitches before he realized, unfazed that he was stitching the wrong part of my foot and he had to start over. Luckily, the infection I ended up getting wasn’t fatal. I opted to go to my primary physician to take care of it instead. Despite that it was the most agonizing experience I’ve ever had the misfortune of enduring, I don’t think that I will stop wearing my Shoeless Footwear. I suppose that I’ll just have to be more cautious next time.”

Woodhull's EMT, which should be foreboding enough for one to never, ever go there.

Woodhull’s EMT, which should be foreboding enough for one to never, ever go there.

Even as it is highly questionable whether or not anyone who works at Woodhull Hospital has ever even gone to medical school at all, the risk of having to end up like Hamswart doesn’t seem to deter Bushwickians from sporting these hot new kicks.

Written By Nicole Benson

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