No Whores Allowed: Bushwick Hotel Due For Major Makeover

January 14, 2015 3 2043 News
Share!

Everyone’s favorite source for seedy goings-on and routine knavery, the Bushwick Hotel (which obviously set the precedent for generically named hotels long before the Williamsburg Hotel came along), has announced some shocking news this morning: Plans for a remodel are due to occur within the month. With places like New York Loft Hostel and La Bouche to compete with, the revamp seemed, in many ways, inevitable.

Exterior of Bushwick Hotel as it stands now

Exterior of Bushwick Hotel as it stands now

For anyone who has ever walked barefoot on the nebulously colored rugs or run their fingers over the chipped wallpaper of a hotel room there, this news may come as something of a traumatic experience. Local prostitutes were especially disheartened to learn that the lighting in the Bushwick Hotel would also be changed from fluorescent to ambient (think sconces and chandeliers). Cookie Dough, a Trinidadian who has called Bushwick Hotel her office for years now, wailed, “Dee fluorescent lighting was key to my look. Now dese johns ain’t gon see none of dee goods like dey should.”

Say goodbye to this

Say goodbye to this

The Burning Bush was able to reach the manager, Tony Lackadaze, a 44-year-old who claims he used to work at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, for comment on this abrupt new shift in aesthetics. “I don’t really know why they wanna do it. Presumably to get some naive foreigners to stay here instead of the usual whores–which I’ve been officially been told not to let in anymore. There goes 90% of our clientele.” The makeover is expected to be completed by mid-February, which should give you some indication of how half-assed it’s going to be. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

3 Comments