Norbert’s Express Only Exists So That Norbert’s Can Just Function As A Front

August 31, 2014 1 1064 Local Business, News, Pizza

For some inexplicable reason, Norbert’s Pizza, which once made our list of most romantic places for a date, has an offshoot establishment called Norbert’s Express. Considering no one is that into the regular Norbert’s (especially when you can burn the roof of your mouth at Archie’s instead), The Burning Bush did some additional probing on your behalf–as is our usual wont–to find out the real reason behind why Norbert’s would possibly invest in another eatery.

The pizza obvi ain't that appealing--so why expand into a chain?

The pizza obvi ain’t that appealing–so why expand into a chain?

Like most entities in New York City, the only reason Norbert’s exists is as a front. It’s not as though one can be expected to make a living honestly. That kind of shit is for simpletons and poor people. And so, as The Burning Bush extended its investigations into the goings-on behind the scenes of the original Norbert’s. Using our go-to private investigator, Frank Asiago (Gene Parmesan is clearly a little bit too steep in terms of the rates we can afford with our budget), we discovered that Norbert’s owner Bert Nor opened Norbert’s Express merely as a smoke screen to keep using the primary location as a money laundering outfit.

The foreboding exterior of Norbert's Express

The foreboding exterior of Norbert’s Express

When The Burning Bush asked Bert Nor some questions about the real nature of his business, he showed surprising similarities to Walter White with regard to his ability to lie in a sociopathic manner. Nor stated, “The only reason I opened Norbert’s Express is because of my ever-burgeoning passion for pizza.” Even if we believed him, the hours of Norbert’s Express–from 7 a.m. to 12 a.m.–negate any need for the original Norbert’s, which is only open from 3 p.m. to 12 a.m. What exactly are the people inside Norbert’s doing before the hours of 3 p.m.? Counting up their illegal money, naturally.

Written by Genna Rivieccio


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