Ominous Presence Known Only As “Bensonia” Has Been Sucking Life Force From Other Bushwick Residents

August 29, 2014 5 689 J'Accuse, News, Resident Spotlight
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Perhaps you met Bensonia about two years ago when she, or rather, “it” first moved to Bushwick. You found her likable and harmless enough–until all these ages later you’ve noticed something suspicious: In all the time you’ve known her, she hasn’t aged. You, on the other hand, have become even more haggard and less fuckable in the same period. What the hell is going on, you may demand to know? Well, it’s that Bensonia has been sucking all your youth away in order to stay looking in tip top form.

Bensonia reels you in with her seeming innocence

Bensonia reels you in with her seeming innocence

Like some deranged version of a succubus and a vampire, Bensonia harnesses the life force of any person, male or female, she comes in contact with for more than an hour. Once she’s befriended you, you’re fucked. But you can maybe risk a casual acquaintanceship if you’re willing to get a few gray hairs here or there. One friend of Bensonia’s, Catherine Q., cautioned, “She’s a swell gal… but I wouldn’t recommend becoming her friend if you have issues with vanity. Because you’re going to look like one old ass motherfucker after about a month.”

Bensonia only gains more energy as the years go by, prancing around while you watch from your wheelchair

Bensonia only gains more energy as the years go by, prancing around while you watch from your wheelchair

Another “old” friend, Bushwick escapee Moonchild Von Rogg, confirmed, “I couldn’t spend too much time with her even though I thought she was pretty rad. It just wasn’t worth my own personal loss of youth. Especially since I moved to Southern California.”

A concerned Moonchild starts to wonder if maybe she should get away from Bensonia before she sucks some more of her youth

A concerned Moonchild starts to wonder if maybe she should get away from Bensonia before she sucks some more of her youth

So if you look at yourself in the mirror one day and suddenly notice how decrepit you are, you should probably take a break from spending so much time with Bensonia. It also explains why there are no thirty somethings in Bushwick: Bensonia has aged them all into their forties.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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