While Plastic Jesus might be trying to make an anti-drug statement in Hollywood, all he’s really done is further inspire Bushwickians to snort heavy amounts of cocaine during their Oscar parties. From the upscale tier soirees thrown by the likes of Pristine Pussy and Yamanda Decadent to the more staid affairs held in the basement of the McKibbin, Bushwickians everywhere have their supply of blow ready for this year’s Academy Awards.
“We’ve arranged a snorting game wherein you do a bump every time a white man walks onto the stage. It’s gonna be insane,” said local fashion designer Kiki DeVry. And with the ATM surcharge fee abolished at Brooklyn’s Natural, no one’s going to have any trouble getting cash out for their drug dealers when supplies run out. “This is the only way to get through all five and a half hours or however the fuck long the ceremony is,” said reputed mixologist Bobby Martini. “How else does Hollywood expect us to put up with its ego?” A somewhat ironic query considering Bushwick’s own issues with narcissism.
“All I know is, it’s going to be a real win for Bushwick if The Grand Budapest Hotel snags the award for Best Picture. Wes Anderson is, like, a spokesperson for our neighborhood,” asserted ex-Bushwick resident Zosia Mamet, who will be holding a private party of her own on the rooftop of a condo in Williamsburg, where one imagines the cocaine will be decidedly purer. So wherever you find yourself tonight while the Oscars are on, be sure to secure your coke stash now as supplies are seemingly limited with such a high demand.
Written by Genna Rivieccio