Pale, Unkempt Dreamboat Causes Mass Swoon With New Converse

August 7, 2015 2 840 News

Most days, Benji Booferman, a 28-year-old with sandy blonde hair and just the right amount of scruff, can be found pounding a portalifter (if you’re not a barista, you won’t get that) against the counter at Swallow Cafe. He was just your average Bushwick guy really. That is, until he got the latest model of Converse: The Chuck Taylor All Star II.

These new kicks have got Bushwick women everywhere swooning

These new kicks have got Bushwick women everywhere swooning

“I didn’t really think buying the latest Converse model–for $75, which is about a week’s worth of my time at Swallow–was going to improve my sex life. But lo and behold, I’ve contracted about five different STDs since getting them. And that was two days ago,” commented Booferman.

Benji Booferman can't beat them off with a stick

Benji Booferman can’t beat them off with a stick

Some of the ladies of Bushwhack who have openly admitted to sexual relations with Benji include, Basique Beech, Pristine Pussy, Yamanda Decadent and even Lena Dunham. “At this rate, I may never take these shoes off. I don’t even have to pretend to cultivate a ‘dirty hipster’ look anymore. The Chucks do it all for me,” beamed Booferman. It’s unclear whether women truly love the aesthetic of the shoes or have just been influenced by all the Converse advertising off the Jefferson stop.

Written by Genna Rivieccio