Hate to break it to you, doll, but that precious 60s sundress you adore oh so much just might be a knockoff; Bushwick’s biggest industry may just be a sham. This past weekend federal agents raided a nondescript warehouse charged with “making” vintage clothing. Sitting centrally between the Morgan and Jefferson stops, its precise location remains unknown, pending investigation. But details are surfacing.
“What we found was flabbergasting,” said Sherlock Homie, leader of the Williamsburg/Bushwick Vintage Verification Task Force. “We unearthed mounds of TJ Maxx and Burlington Coat Factory clearance items that had been ‘systematically antiqued,’ lovingly yet haphazardly detagged, distressed and retagged.” Homie followed the trail of several items with the help of GPS sensoring, finding that after the clothes were beat up at the as of yet unnamed warehouse, they were taken to Bushwick’s painstakingly curated vintage outlets, sporting a worn-in look and an inflated price.
Mary Meyer, Worship, Chess and the Sphinx and other neighborhood darlings have been named in the 897-page indictment, and the proprietor of each sham business faces a bleak future behind the slammer. They’ve pooled their resources and hired renowned retail lawyer Marty Markup, who assures the public that his clients have been “misrepresented and falsely accused,” citing the lack of any precise definition as to what constitutes genuine vintage anyway. “Vintage is much more a feeling than anything empirical, and my clients succeeded wildly in providing that feeling.” Let’s just hope Markup’s clients don’t drop the soap, or else they’ll be provided with an altogether different feeling.
Written by jaytoles