Police in Bushwick More Nonplussed by Masturbation Than Drug Use

August 3, 2017 0 110 News
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While most already expect that police are nonplussed by brutality, especially that of their own making, one would at least think that they’re slightly miffed by the sight of public masturbation. Turns out, no, they’re more up in arms about all the drug use that goes on in Bushwick as opposed to all the open self-love.

The man that launched zero police action

That’s why, after multiple sightings of the same masturbator on her block, a 70-year-old woman citing that the man might be suffering from Harold and Maude syndrome, finally decided to do something about it by reporting him after snapping a photo on her Olympus 14-42mm camera–“none of that lo-res iPhone bullshit,” she explained.

The camera used to capture the “magic moment”

Even so, the police were more preoccupied with busting a bed bug ring near the Wilson L stop when the woman, who preferred to have her name left out of The Burning Bush’s high-gloss pages, approached them with the hard copy of her extremely clear photograph. They balked at her and challenged, “That’s not enough proof. We need to catch him in the act–as he’s doing it in front of you. You’ll need to manage to get someone in uniform to join you in watching the masturbation in real time–might be kind of difficult.” With that the police office went back to injecting bed bug serum of his own to get through the rest of the day, always rife with women’s “overly dramatic” complaints.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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