Perhaps another explanation for the increased baby population in the neighborhood, The Burning Bush has recently learned that a prankster has been going around Bushwick and filling the free condom bowls with defective contraceptives. Primarily hitting bars of a seedier nature (an ever-waning possibility in the current socioeconomic landscape of the area), the masked marauder skulks around in the late hours of the night and replaces the bowls with his own faulty batch while wearing a conical hat that’s more condom-like than KKK-like.
So far, no one is quite sure if this huckster is pulling the holed condom stunt for moralistic reasons to prove a point about promiscuity, or if he just gets off on other people’s anxiety rather than sex itself. Either way, Bushwickians have taken to calling this new-fangled form of robber “The Safe Sex Thief.” Local police have remained largely unmoved by concerned citizens fretting over pregnancy, the contraction of various types of HPV and the general irritation that comes with having sex with a condom when you could have just had the pleasure of barebacking it if you had known there was a hole (not the vaginal kind, to be clear) present to begin with.
Written by Genna Rivieccio