With the legalization of prostitution in Brooklyn, one would think that clandestine whoring would be a thing of the past. However, local police have been wary of such liberation, finding any reason to crack down on prostitutes guilty of some other crime (like openly shooting up heroin). Plus, with the recent trend in abstinence, prosties are also trying to trick people into having sex by any means necessary. Thus, posing as a harmless homeless ragamuffin has been the latest approach to evading authorities and gaining potential clients’ trust.
The first indication that some of the homeless people sitting outside the bench between Brooklyn’s Natural and Swallow (an ironic business to be associated with when you’re a strumpet trying to pretend not to be) weren’t actually homeless came yesterday evening when Zara Openvag, a 17-year-old runaway from Rhode Island, “blew” the lid off the entire operation. This includes the part where masquerading prostitutes roofie their unsuspecting clients, bone them and then insist on payment or death after they regain consciousness.
Openvag was muttering to herself in an attempt to seem homeless when a real homeless man came up to her and started trying to communicate in the same language. This caused Openvag to panic and scream, “Leave me alone, I’m just a prostitute!” A police officer, Gerald Porcine, who happened to be nearby heard this and immediately intervened, taking Openvag to the 83rd Precinct for further questioning about this strange operation. Openvag revealed the scheme willingly in exchange for the promise of a week’s stay at New York Loft Hostel and a month’s supply of free (Mama) Roberta’s pizza. The Burning Bush is betting this is going to cause Openvag to be tarred and feathered by her fellow working girls. Stay tuned for that update…
Written by Genna Rivieccio