Public Boning Increases Due to Expensive Rents

November 6, 2014 5 811 News, Real Estate

As most people with genitals know, the only reason to have an apartment in this town is so you can have sex in it. But what do you do when you can’t afford one anymore? Simply stop fucking? No, absolutely not. That’s not the Bushwickian way. Rather than return to that brief abstinence trend from a few months back, Bushwick residents are literally taking to the streets in protest.

A comfortable place to "sleep"

A comfortable place to “sleep”

One street fucker, Joey Blowluvver, a 22-year-old guttersnipe who was living in the good side of the McKibbin before the rent was raised one thousand dollars, told The Burning Bush, “You know, it’s not so bad, fucking near a dumpster or whatever. It’s sort of viscerally romantic in a way. Like you just get so swept up by your passion that you gotta do it right there and then.”

Blowluvver's boudoir

Blowluvver’s boudoir

Others, mainly of the female persuasion, were less ecstatic about the new shift toward outdoor sex. Cherry Sorrento, a New Jerseyan who had finally just been able to afford a room off the Knickerbocker M stop, was shocked to learn that her roommate would immediately be upping the rent by three hundred dollars. Sorrento stated, “That’s when I knew I was gonna have to pack up my shit again, make a tenement out of it and have all my sex in there, concealed, yet out in the open. So far, I have yet to get an orgasm in such an uncomfortable setting.” 

de Blasio intervenes

de Blasio intervenes

With public boning on the rise, the mayor has stepped in to demand that rents be lowered back to normal, human person rates (at least below a thousand dollars a month per person). The Burning Bush will keep you apprised of any hope for your sexual future. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio