Rando’s Island: A Randall’s Island Alternative For All the Jank Pieces You’ve Boned

July 13, 2016 1 265 Sexuality
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If there is one running motif other than alcoholism that The Burning Bush constantly addresses, it’s the practice of making egregious errors in sexual judgment (yes, usually on the part of the vagina involved). Enter Rando’s Island, a new patch of land being manmade in the English Kills where you can nominate various jank pieces from your past to be relegated for a period of at least one month while you troll for new, potentially better options.

Also known as: every guy you've ever fucked

Also known as: every guy you’ve ever fucked

While, yes the Committee to Help Woman Fuck Smarter, Not Harder is working out all the legal kinks surrounding this sort of “against one’s will” mandate, it’s pretty much in the bag as men have very little power in this town anymore thanks to #GRLGANG.

They'll all be happier together rather than with you

They’ll all be happier together rather than with you

The head chairwoman of the committee, We the Femmes member Anorexia Nervosa told The Burning Bush, “We have the support of over half the neighborhood to implement this decree, mainly because over half of Bushwick is female. And we all need a fucking break from the grossness and the horror of our mistakes in the bed–or bathroom.” That being said, completion on Rando’s Island is slated for the end of July, with a fully functioning bar to be added as well, which may or may not help turn everyone on the island gay.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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