Everyone, everywhere their whole lives has wanted to be able to eat pizza on the regular while still maintaining a svelte figure. Until Roberta’s came along with their new diet plan, this was never a possibility. But lo and behold, after hiring dietician Elise Brillante, a 34-year-old alumna of Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, the owners of Roberta’s have concocted a Bushwickian’s dream diet.
The meal plan, which can be ordered in bulk and delivered to your door or consumed right onsite, consists of “synthetic meats and fresh vegetables picked from The Jump Off’s rooftop garden,” according to Brillante. Buying two-week meal plans featuring three pizzas a day costs $1,600 per package. “But obviously it’s well-worth it to be able to eat Roberta’s every day without worry,” noted Brillante.
Rayna Ana, an avid purchaser of the recently developed diet, stated, “I honestly don’t know how someone hasn’t thought of this before. When you think about it, pizza’s already pretty healthy to begin with because it represents so many different food groups that you need to sustain yourself. I’m so grateful to Roberta’s for innovating this plan.” Ana isn’t the only one showing her gratitude. A source at the front-of-the-house remarked, “We’ve been running out of ingredients almost every day just to meet the demand. Le Jardin is our most popular order: it’s got tomatoes, kale and Kate Moss hair shavings on it.” Better order now, you skinny Bushwickians.
Written by Genna Rivieccio