It’s no secret that Roberta’s has been having some difficulty maintaining its edge of late. Between Little Caesar’s blowing through town and Papa John’s fucking up its game by buying it out, it seems as though Roberta’s can’t catch a break. The latest Zagat Survey ratings further prove that Roberta’s time in the pizza spotlight has waned, placing Paulie Gee’s at number one for the best pizza in Brooklyn.
Many Roberta’s employees hung their heads low last night while sobbing into the pizzas they served, trying as best as they could not to admit defeat. Falling at number five on the list, Roberta’s has clearly lost its mojo. One employee spoke in confidence to The Burning Bush, noting, “It hasn’t been the same since the Clintons stopped coming.”
Another source on the inside added, “Maybe we need a better pizza oven,” further intimating, “Maybe we need Paulie Gee’s pizza oven…you dig what I’m saying?” The inference of the statement has led The Burning Bush to betray Bushwick and forewarn Paulie Gee–who was actually originally inspired to open his restaurant because of Roberta’s–of unclear plans for his rival to steal his prized oven, which hails from Naples, pizza capital of Earth. We may have to hole up in Greenpoint for awhile as a result of this treason.
Written by Genna Rivieccio