What’s every hipster’s favorite Independence Day pastime apart from drinking? Standing on a roof while drinking. Last night, amid the many 4th of July festivities, the rooftop capacity of most apartment buildings were packed to the proverbial gills. However, one recently constructed building for “monogamists only” off the Dekalb stop proved unable to withstand the hipster overload.
The party thrower, Gristede Reckless, a 23-year-old trust fund baby who’s been living in Bushwick for three days, commented, “I don’t know what happened. I assumed if my parents were going to pay 4,000 a month for an apartment, the roof would at least be solid. Now I might have to move into the polyamory building instead.” The insurance agent appraising the damage, Yuri Shyster, told The Burning Bush that the Hasids who own the building will likely not have to pay a single cent for the damages. Repairs are expected to be “minimal” and “swift,” according to Yakov Goldberg, the building’s landlord.
Written by Genna Rivieccio