Santa Leaves Baby Laxative-Laced Coke for Bad Bushwickians Who Actually Stayed in Town for the Holidays

December 25, 2014 2 488 News
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This year, the few Bushwickians who actually stayed in town were given an appropriate punishment for their knavery thanks to the local Santa Claus duping them into thinking they got a fantastically magical gift of free cocaine. Upon waking up this Christmas morning, the twenty-three Bushwickians still in town were mistakenly delighted into thinking that it was going to be a very white Christmas indeed.

Santa, relishing a post-delivery drink after punishing local Bushwickians for staying in town to be debauched

Santa, relishing a post-delivery drink after punishing local Bushwickians for staying in town to be debauched

The first Bushwickian to open their “present” was a casual drug addict named Benedict Cocainebatch, a 32-year-old occasional events coordinator who stayed in town to binge drink and indulge in prostitutes. After waking up at approximately 1 p.m. as a result of spending the majority of his night at Pumps, Cocainebatch practically orgasmed at the sight of a giant Santa sack-sized cocaine bag. “It was truly–what I thought was going to be–the best Christmas ever,” commented Cocainebatch. Little did he know, however, that just hours later he was going to be shitting and vomiting at the same time.

Santa was booked for malicious intent by the Bushwick Police Department

Santa was booked for malicious intent by the Bushwick Police Department

Before The Burning Bush could get an official statement from Santa regarding the specific motives for his actions, we just barely caught sight of him being hauled off outside of Kings County drunkenly slurring, “They deserved it. Those iniquity-addicted sinners don’t know what Christmas is really about. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed in Bushwick!” At this point, his head was roughly shoved into the police car and he was knocked out. But at least he completed his mission to teach transgression-loving Bushwickians a lesson: Next time you’re debauched enough to stay in Bushwick for the holidays, think again.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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