Amid the barrage of outcries in the wake of a rumor that SantaCon would be coming to Bushwick, the latest report has insisted that, no, Bushwick is too small to accommodate the many red-suited drunkards that need plenty of room to stumble through the streets drunkenly.
The organizer of the event, Dylan Disaster, a 34-year-old originally from Omaha whose favorite movie is The Santa Clause 2, assured The Burning Bush, “SantaCon has absolutely no intention of coming to Bushwick. Personally, we feel it’s a bit too rinky dink to give our Santas the freedom of debauchery they need. We’re actually thinking of moving it to Prospect Heights this year instead. Maybe set up some alcoholic revival points in the park or something.”
Other sources involved in the organization of the event, however, had something different to reveal. An unnamed higher-up in SantaCon planning whispered, “The truth is, we probably will have it in Bushwick. We just don’t want there to be an all-out mutiny by officially announcing it. It’s better to take people by surprise so they can’t stop you from doing what you want. At least that’s the SantaCon motto.” And so Bushwickians, I’m afraid you cannot beat the legion of Santas–you must either join them or barricade yourself inside on December 13th.
Written by Genna Rivieccio