Series of Cafes Spontaneously Combust After Housing Too Many Douches

July 14, 2014 3 3057 Hipster Commentary, News

Even if you’re not a regular on the cafe scene in Bushwick, you’ve probably frequented at least one of the many in our area enough times to know that everyone who sits in there (presumably pretending to work on their computers) is a complete and utter douche bag. It’s a prerequisite for entering the premises. 

The cafe scene

The cafe scene

It also goes without saying that anyone who feels the need to leave their house in order to “do work” is a pretentious tool who secretly just wants an excuse to find some source of interaction–any interaction goddammit, even if it means talking to people who will go on and on about Infinite Jest, just to delude themselves into believing they’ve actually read it. That’s why, early this morning at local cafes throughout the neighborhood, including Swallow, Kave, Variety and Strangeways, a massive and inexplicable explosion occurred as a result of too many douche bags in the same place at the same time, all bloviating to maximum capacity. 

Macs and iPads were the chief casualties in the disaster

Macs and iPads were the chief casualties in the disaster

Espressa Blend, the sole surviving barista at Variety, commented, “I’ve seen high concentrations of douche bags in my day, but I’ve never seen so many at once. This morning was an all-time record.” Along with their coffee mugs, power outlets and various Mac devices, everything else was obliterated in the explosion. The only remains were a few errant mouths that were still pontificating about, among other topics, coding. Before our resident toad representative for New York was Hannah Horvath, it was Carrie Bradshaw who said, “I used to think those people who sat alone writing at Starbucks were pretentious posers. Now I know, they are people who have recently moved in with someone.” But what she really meant was, “Now I know, they’re just douche bags.” 

Carrie Bradshaw, one of the original "pretentious posers," who only deigned to go to a cafe in an emergency situation

Carrie Bradshaw, one of the original “pretentious posers,” who only deigned to go to a cafe in an emergency situation

Plans to rebuild the cafes destroyed in the wake of their key demographic will be put on hold until the owners decided whether or not it might be more profitable to just build a day care center

Written by Genna Rivieccio, a cafe frequenter