Spike in Sexual Injuries From BDSM Experimentation

March 19, 2015 Comments Off on Spike in Sexual Injuries From BDSM Experimentation 1338 bushwick, Hipster Commentary, News, Sexuality
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Hospitalizations in Bushwick have peaked in the last month due to a sudden increase in sexual injuries. It is suspected that Bushwick’s recent plight is the direct result of the expanding number of amateurs attempting to dabble in BDSM after being made to feel unvaried in the sack by current pop culture. Although the Bushwick Committee of Regulation put a grinding halt to the banal, formerly conventional method of “bumping uglies” last June, many claim that even doggy style and mild hair pulling have worn stale.

Miley's Bushwick cameo.

Miley’s Bushwick cameo.

Reported injuries resulting from S&M experimentation range from the poisoning of a man who allowed his partner to blast him in the face with a fire extinguisher, to the broken ribs of another man who had his girlfriend stomp on his chest with stilettos. Joel Fink, the Bushwick man who suffered four broken ribs as well as internal bleeding, says that his longtime girlfriend, Candice Wydell, warmed him up to the idea of dominance and submission by assuring him that she was well educated on the matter after reading the entire 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. “We didn’t foresee the possibility of anything going wrong since we had come up with a safe word, which we agreed would be “casserole,”” Fink explained. “It was a real rookie mistake, to be honest. It’s an arduous feat to comprehend what a person with a ball gag in their mouth is saying. Alas, by the time message was relayed, the damage was already done.”

*muffled screams*

*muffled screams*

“At the risk of being considered blas√©, I think that Candice and I are going to err on the side of caution from now on.”

Yes, there are certainly many other fun and exhilarating methods of demoralizing/abusing your partner (and vice versa) which don’t involve a trip to the Woodhull Medical Center… safety first!

Written by Nicole Benson

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