With the increase in bougieness in a state of constant amplification, there has at last arrived a statute of limitations on the number of shitty apartments in Bushwick. Considering the ramshackles being rented out for as high as $4,000 a month off the Jefferson stop, one poverty-stricken resident named Enid Noshittaker decided to put her foot down by forming the Committee to Make Every Bushwick Apartment Look Like a Gilded Palace.
Noshittaker, a 33-year-old interior designer who has never been paid for her interior design expertise, reached her breaking point after being forced to move into an apartment off the Halsey stop that now, thanks to Factory 6666 being nearby, is being valued at $3,000. “That’s when I had to say ‘enough is enough.’ This is the fucking Halsey stop. There’s nothing here for anyone except death–literally. There’s a cemetery right by my apartment.”
Hence, Noshittaker, along with her ten other roommates, decided to start their committee. “The more people we get to join, the easier it will be to control the landlords in terms of what we’re willing to accept aesthetically from them.” As for the demands and tenets listed by the committee, some of the highlights are below:
-No apartment over $2,000 should possess anything less than a gilded facade
-Apartments in the $3,000-$5,000 range are expected to have gold-plated toilets with rubies encrusted throughout (though we’re aware this will probably cause ass-chafing)
-Apartments at any price point over $1,500 are expected to be within five blocks of a train station
The grassroots movement has taken hold quickly over the neighborhood, with many residents refusing to pay rent until the demands of the committee are met. If you, too, wish to join in the Bushwick apartment revolution, sign the petition at endshittybushwickapartments.com.
Written by Genna Rivieccio