Stickup at Caffaine Forces Local Writer’s Group to Stay At Home, Stop Writing On Laptops

December 21, 2014 1 2162 News
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Caffaine, Bushwick’s latest controversial coffee shop, has added to its dubiousness after a stickup yesterday that targeted a local writer’s group calling themselves Writer’s Cock. According to owner, Sven Drugaddikt, the unknown perpetrator of the crime strolled into the cafe with a black scarf wrapped around the majority of his face, acted as though he was going to order something at the register and then whipped out a .357 Magnum and aimed it at the Writer’s Cock collective in a threatening manner (not as though there’s any other way to brandish a gun at someone).

Unsuspecting writers critiquing one another's work

Unsuspecting writers critiquing one another’s work

The gunman then proceeded to scream, “Give me your laptops and any cash you have or I’ll blow all those fuckin’ shitty ideas right outta your head!” Horrified members of the group, five in total–Samm Colon, Genae Jean, Merry Cuote, Delancey Illitterayte and Harlon Ampersand–immediately complied, far more willing to give up their “genius” than risk death. Resultantly, the robber finagled approximately ten thousand dollars’ worth of computers.

Harlon Ampersand's computer didn't make it out in one piece

Harlon Ampersand’s computer didn’t make it out in one piece

Other patrons of Caffaine remained somewhat unflappable in the face of the crime, even bearing mildly sadistic emotions as they watched the event transpire. One such patron, Penelope Writerhater, a 21-year-old art major at Brooklyn College, scoffed, “You don’t just give up the instrument required for your art because someone tells you to. That’s a real sign of someone only being in it for the way it makes them look. And anyway, all writer’s group members are pretentious poser assholes who are just hoping someone else in the group has shittier writing than them.” While The Burning Bush could not reach any of the Writer’s Cock members for comment, we do know that the writer’s group is now taking place in one of the anonymous members’ apartments for fear of their lives. They are currently using Moleskines to write their work out in the wake of this tragedy.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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