The 30 Something Exodus

April 15, 2014 13 2091 30 Somethings
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You might have noticed something rather…specific about Bushwick’s demographic: Everyone’s either a zygote or old as fuck (that means 40). Like the missing middle class in America, Bushwick is missing the middle point between birth and death–your 30s. It seems that there is a switch that goes off in people who live in this neighborhood the moment 29 is gone, forcing them to move away to the west coast or simply die from a massive intake of drugs.

The light that goes off in 30 something heads.

The light that goes off in 30 something heads.

Granted, there’s a few errant 30 somethings here and there, the ones who can’t give up on the drinking, trolling and general tomfoolery. And more power to them, I say. Someone has to speak for this underrepresented age group, after all.

Johnny Destroyer left Bushwick to become Nelson Nesbitt.

Johnny Destroyer left Bushwick to become Nelson Nesbitt.

No one knows for sure what happens to the 30 somethings when they leave, or even the reason why. Ryan Houseplant, a 28 year old living on Wyckoff, speculates, “I think you just reach a threshold at some point, you know? Like why do I want to live with a 19 year old roommate in a shitbox apartment who makes the same amount of money I do tending bar? It gets to be a little depressing. And really not worth the embarrassment.”

"Well, I'm 30, so I'm off to California!"

“Well, I’m 30, so I’m off to California!”

On the other end, Geneva Dilettante, a 43 year old performance artist, suggests, “You just need time in your 30s to reboot from all the drugs you took here in your 20s. It’s a necessary ten year detox if you’re smart. And then you can come back and start all over again.”

Maintaining the perfect Hitler youth haircut also gets to be annoyingly costly.

Maintaining the perfect Hitler youth haircut also gets to be annoyingly costly.

Whatever the reason, it still remains unclear why these 30 somethings are really disappearing. As usual, The Burning Bush suspects foul play, subterfuge and an all-out Bushwick conspiracy. Stay tuned for further reports.

Written by Genna Rivieccio (not a girl, not yet a 30 year old)

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