It looks as though Bushwick residents may have to up the ante on their sloppy, drunk Saturday night sex. The Bushwick Committee of Regulation is cracking down on your monotonous sex lives, as they have released a statement declaring sexual intercourse performed in the missionary position illegal in Bushwick. It is unclear how the BCR plans to enforce the ban, but it appears to be conclusive that everyone is going to start having their vanilla sex behind closed doors. The new law, which will go into effect on June 15th, poses an issue for couples who almost exclusively fuck in the missionary position.
We spoke with one Bushwick couple, John Simpleton and Kathy Baker, who expressed their concern regarding the new rule. “Kathy and I have had quite a fulfilling sexual relationship for the last five years and we have never tried anything besides the missionary position. This is going to be like losing our virginities all over again,” said Simpleton. “We’ve talked about it and came to an agreement that doggy style is something that we will not be trying under any circumstances. Kathy on all fours in the nude is not a very flattering look for her.” Kathy refused to comment. This new “law” also presents some complication for our neighborhood date rapists, because all of the women that they sleep with are not nearly coherent enough to do anything more than lie on their backs. One man, Hornsby Crosshair, was infuriated to learn about the ban. “This is an outrage! I’m never going to get fucking laid! Do you know how difficult it is to get off on an unwilling participant when they aren’t in a submissive pose?!” Crosshair scowled, subsequently wiping the spit from the sides of his bearded face, which was inflamed with redness as he was fuming with what appeared to be indignation.
Repercussions for violation of the ban include, but are not limited to castration of the gentleman party, in which his testicles would be donated to Bushwick’s We the Femmes’ bocce ball league and stones cast upon female violators. The head of the Bushwick Committee of Regulation and self proclaimed Mayor of Bushwick, Cindy Whoreshoe, tells us that they refuse to allow the people of Bushwick to conform to societal norms, forcing them to adhere to the commands of the BCR. “It is our duty to see to it that Bushwick doesn’t even hold the slightest semblance of normalcy. We need every other neighborhood in New York City to recognize that we are funky and different. Thus, sexual intercourse in the missionary position will be prohibited. However, there are still many options to choose from as far as getting off: Doggie Style, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, 69ing, Dirty Sanchezes, Cosby Sweaters, and the Angry Pirate are all still okay.”
Written By Nicole Benson
Photo Credits: thejournal.ie, rapgenius.com