Like male penguins, the denizens of Bushwick were never intended to be with one mate. They were meant to spread their love (a.k.a their genital diseases) as freely and frequently as possible. The very nature of Bushwick–with its alcoholic and drug-related temptations–is counterintuitive to monogamy and domesticity. However, with the first generation of gentrifiers in Bushwick getting older, the pervasiveness of domestic tendencies has markedly increased. It’s as though every boy and girl has taken a page from Betty Draper or something (perhaps allured by the thought of inappropriate relations with a washer/dryer).
The Burning Bush spoke with one such recent convert to the domestic scene, Erica Appliance, a 28-year-old who we’ve dubbed as part of Bushwick’s Gossip Girl generation (as opposed to the younger Pretty Little Liars generation), who shamefully admitted to the joys she feels while cooking vegan food for her boyfriend. “I rush home at night just so I can make him dinner before he gets there. I don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s like I can’t even control it.” We also spoke to Erica’s boyfriend, who refused to have his name mentioned in order to protect his reputation as a player. He confirmed, “I love just hanging out with my girlfriend and letting her cook for me. It takes the guesswork out of everything, and I never have to worry about where my next fuck is coming from.”
The first traces of the monogamy pandemic became overt with the Monogamists Only building that opened a few months back, but now that it has become even more rampant, what other domestic-related horrors will we see crop up in the neighborhood? A Crate and Barrel? A Whole Foods? There’s no telling how drastic the shift in the demographic needs of Bushwick will be.
Written by Genna Rivieccio