For those who were up in arms about the suspension of the L train on Wednesday in the wake of a few people tossing themselves on the tracks to end all worries of making rent, there’s a reason, a new study finds, about why the L train specifically always seems to be the subject of this form of delay.
Roger Danger, the head of the Committee to Unearth Why So Many People Kill Themselves Off the L Train Line (Even Though It’s Usually Where All the Rich People Live Now), concluded that because many late 20s and early 30s folk with Master’s degrees have such a grand sense of irony and rage within them (David Foster Wallace is sort of an example), they prefer to spite the form of humanity they’ve grown to despise so much over years spent living in North Brooklyn.
The ghost of Derrick Antapithee, a 33-year-old graduate student at Columbia, told The Burning Bush as his spirit floated out of his body and toward the depths of hell, “I just wanted to watch all these fuckers struggle to commute to their overpaid fat cat jobs at shitholes like BuzzFeed. They deserve the inconvenience. Because a subway delay is the only pain they’ll ever know, the motherfuckers.”
Written by Genna Rivieccio, daily contemplating L train suicide