There’s no denying that, as of 2014, you have to be mildly affluent to rent an apartment in Bushwick. Precious were the days when you could find a two-bedroom for under 2k anywhere that wasn’t past the past the Dekalb stop. Now, you’re lucky to find a studio for $1,650. And so it goes that with great wealth comes a plethora of jealous non-richies who want to take what’s yours. The thievery rate up in Bushwick indicates that the ire toward those with luxury and abundance in their lives is causing beaucoup de resentment–we’re talking a socialist strike of May 1968 proportions.
Although the number of thieves weaseling their way through Bushwick is estimated between 20 and 200, there is one in particular who has been terrorizing the neighborhood. Breaking the robber stereotype mold, Whitey Swagstealer is suspected to be an Englishman who moved here from Shoreditch and was flabbergasted to find that the East End was more affordable. To take vengeance upon what he deems gross wealth, as well as his lack of fame, which he presumed would be instantaneous, Swagstealer has been targeting “luxury buildings” like Castlebraid, Coagulate, the McKibbin, 960 Willoughby and Colony 1209.
According to The Burning Bush’s sources, Swagstealer takes on a hood accent to confuse his followers, often orating in front of Brooklyn’s Natural in the middle of the night, shouting things like, “Richies got money to spare.” His M.O. is unique in that one can never be sure what exactly he’s going to steal from your apartment or–for those of you who are especially rich–your car. The only consistency in his rash of thieveries is that he always steals at least one complete outfit. His band of fellow robbers collaborate with him to single-handedly instill the fear of fashionlessness throughout Bushwick. If Swagstealer’s knavery persists, it may be enough to drop some rent prices by forcing traumatized richies out of the area.
Written by Genna Rivieccio
Side note: The Burning Bush wishes to thank John Hughes for popularizing the term “richie”