You may already know New York Loft Hostel as the picturesque place where you once went “home” with a rando foreigner. Now, the beloved auberge is offering timeshare options for those who wish to have access to Bushwick debauchery no matter what time of year. Open exclusively to foreigners from Western Europe, Australians from Sydney and residents of Manhattan, timeshare prices start at $5,000 for one week out of the year, and rise to a significantly higher price during the summer months.
The Burning Bush spoke to Ula Mount St. Clair, a Swiss frequenter of the New York Loft Hostel, who was quite enthusiastic about the news. “I just love coming to Bushwick. It make me feel so young, so free. Now I have the chance to come whenever I want and have the sex with every man I desire in the comfort of my own timeshare.” The Burning Bush also talked to an employee from NY Loft hostel named Ivana Killmyself, who was slightly less excited about the advent of timesharing. She stated, “Please tell everyone you know that I’m looking for a new job.”
It’s unclear if these foreigners are aware that it costs about the same to stay at a boutique hotel in Williamsburg, or even one in Manhattan. But it seems that the appeal lies in the, as Italian Gianmarco Pizza put it, “sense of community.” Frenchman Maurice Croissant added, “Why would I want to stay in an impersonal hotel? I want the genuine Bushwick experience. Even though everyone there is very, very dirty.”
Timeshares are limited at this point, so you might want to invest in yours before it’s too late and you’re stuck spending your summer in someone’s jank apartment through Airbnb.
Written by Genna Rivieccio