Trump Issues Order Mandating Citizenship to Be Revoked If You Don’t Watch the Super Bowl

February 6, 2017 Comments Off on Trump Issues Order Mandating Citizenship to Be Revoked If You Don’t Watch the Super Bowl 252 Sports
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What could be more American than watching the Super Bowl? Nothing. Ergo, if you don’t watch the Super Bowl in Trump’s world, which can occasionally trickle into Bushwick in spite of secession, you’ll risk getting kicked out. After trying to ignore “the president’s” occasional authority on the day of his inauguration, Bushwickians have been flummoxed to learn that the Führer’s influence has managed to bypass boundaries with his most recent order: watch the Super Bowl or get deported.

I order YOU to watch the Super Bowl

How will Trump enforce this, exactly? Well, the same way he miraculously plans to build a wall that Mexico is supposed to fund. It doesn’t matter how. The very fact that he’s said it means it shall be so. And no one is more unhappy about that than Roberta’s regulars Jay-Z and Beyonce, the latter of whom definitely doesn’t want to watch the game, least of all the halftime show performance if Lady Gaga isn’t going to ask her to duet “Telephone.”

Fuk, I don’t wanna fukkin watchi this shit

Otherwise, “I’m just watching a plastic surgeried white woman that’s not gonna top 2012,” chirped Beyonce. In an effort to protest Trump’s latest orders, many bars in Bushwick are refusing to put the game on. But is resistance to “being American” futile?

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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