Tutu’s Closure Allows Hotbed of Indian (Er, Native American) Burial Ground Activity to Occur On Columbus Day

October 9, 2017 0 138 Bars

The speculation about Tutu’s being located on an Indian burial ground has long been suspected. The Morgan, which preceded Tutu’s, also suffered closure as a result of the ghosts of Native American spirits despising the presence of such blatantly blanc establishments. Tormented and plagued by random power outages, unexpectedly squirting soda streams and flooding toilets, the management fittingly decided to close right before Columbus Day, when activity on the grounds becomes particularly agro.

The announcement came right before Columbus Day, when Native American spirits get particularly agro

Tutu’s bartender Max Rendon, a 28-year-old who already has a safe position lined up at Forrest Point (not known for burial ground territory but dangerously close to Evergreen Avenue), commented, “Admittedly, we were a little bit nervous about continuing on with the business on Columbus Day this year, what with it also being the first Columbus Day with Trump in office and tensions about white assholery running especially high. Basically, the staff just wanted to stay alive.”

Dreamcatcher shop might be less offensive–if it weren’t also run by whites

What will the future hold for the commercial space that just can’t seem to sustain a bar/restaurant? Maybe something less offensive to the Native American phantasms. Like a dreamcatcher shop. Except that would also inevitably be run by a white woman accused of cultural appropriation. In any case, a lot of apparitions have been spotted dancing on the grave of Tutu’s today in celebration of a triumph against Columbus’ ilk.

Written by Genna Rivieccio

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